Mikayla's Jacob
by writer.philosopher
Summary: It was happening again. I couldn’t bear another heartbreak like the one Bella once caused me. I had resumed my activities for about a month and was just starting to accept my life when I met her… post Eclipse ignoring Breaking Dawn. JacobxOC
1. Broken

_**BROKEN**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

**A/N: This is just something I sort of threw together one night when I was thinking about stuff from a very Jacob-y perspective. In this story, Jacob does not go to school on the rez. He goes to the high school that Bella went to. Enjoy.**

_It was happening again. I couldn't bear another heartbreak like the one Bella once caused me. Bella still has her Edward, but who do I have? No one, because he took her off to college with him. She actually agreed to go, and I couldn't even bring myself to leave my house for such a long time. Stupid Sam finally got me to leave, but I wasn't happy about it. I had resumed my activities for about a month and was just starting to accept my life when I met her…_

I forced my feet to follow the path I took every day to school, then the route to my locker, my homeroom, my classes, the cafeteria. Everything here was normal. My new normal. I ignored Quil and Embry, acted like I didn't know anyone. I pretended, like I know Bella must have that long time ago, that I thought I was acting the same as I always had. I knew everyone saw right through me. Everyone knew how I felt, and most of them knew why. I saw it too, in their eyes, every time they looked at me. School was a different place, now, the same building though my eyes had forgotten it.

It was a Monday when I sat down heavily in math and took out my things, prepared, as usual, and first to class. I expected a long span of time to pass before anyone else arrived, even the teacher, so I let my eyelids cover my eyes, what they constantly longed to do.

"Excuse me?"

My eyes fluttered open and I glanced up wearily. Who would be talking to me? I thought everyone knew that I would ignore them. But I didn't recognize this girl. She had black hair and green eyes, and she was dressed simply. Jeans and a grey-blue t-shirt with the word WHY displayed on the front.

"Jacob," I announced, letting my eyes close again.

"Uhhh… okay. I'm Mikayla," the girl told me, extending her hand. I just ignored it, like everything else in my life. "I'm new," she pressed.

"Then you would do well to go try and become friends with someone a little more willing," I griped.

"And why aren't _you_ willing to befriend anyone?"

I sighed. "Why _are_ you?"

"I'm friendly? I don't want to end up early for all my classes and sitting alone like –"

"Like me. But I've chosen to be the person I am."

"Why?"

"Would you quit asking questions?"

"No. I've heard about you. You're Jacob Black?"

I grunted my assent, curiosity beginning to take shape. I had a reputation?

"I heard you didn't used to be like this. I've heard you don't talk to anyone unless they talk to you first," she began.

"As you've proved," I muttered, my eyes still closed. I couldn't look at her. Her hair reminded me of Bella's.

"Well, uh, I suppose. But I was curious, and when I was told you were in my math class…" Her voice trailed off, and she gazed thoughtfully at me. I could feel it, so I forced myself to swing my head around and open my eyes. She wanted me to look at her, and I knew it.

"Curious about?" I had to force the words. I did not want to speak to this new girl. I could tell that she was seeking friendship, and I worried that I might give it to her. I couldn't get close to anyone, not again. She would have to look elsewhere; I would make her. I frowned when I saw that her face brightened when I looked at her.

"What made you so sad," Mikayla replied, a crease forming then between her eyebrows, a slight frown playing her lips.

"A lot," I replied gruffly. "And it's personal. And I pretend I think I'm pretending that I'm fine. But I know I'm not, and I don't really care all that much, to be perfectly honest with you, and I'm not a liar. So if you would kindly find a seat – far from me – I'll just get back to my thoughts and you can become friends with whomever you sit near. And we'll never speak to one another again."

"I don't think I want that. I think I want to be friends with _you_, and I think I want to sit near you."

"I think you shouldn't."

"I think I need to. Someone needs to."

Her words were spoken with such finality, as she dropped into the seat across from me, that I could no longer argue. She was right, I needed someone. Maybe that someone could be her.

Over the next few days, I spoke with Mikayla about nothing of importance. She never questioned my sadness again, and I certainly never brought it up. I saw her every now and then in the hallways, but she was always with someone I wanted to ignore, so I never spoke with her outside of math class. I never once wondered what the others in my math class thought of my sudden friendship with Mikayla, but I'm sure they were stunned. Soon, I found myself looking forward to math, simply because that was the only time I had with her.

That Friday, when math was my last class of the day, I found myself watching for her at the door of the classroom.

"Hey Jake," she said brightly, smiling and taking her seat, across from me as usual. I was surprised at her use of my nickname. I noted that Bella was the last person to have called me that.

"Hi," I replied, much later than I knew I should have.

"Something wrong?" Mikayla asked. I frowned. I was getting dangerously close to her if she could tell so quickly by my delayed response that something was troubling me.

"No," I replied smoothly. I was shocked at how easily I could lie to her when I didn't have the heart to tell her that I didn't want friends again. Ever.

She looked at me suspiciously but let the subject drop.

By the end of the class, I had put all thoughts of ignoring Mikayla from my mind. I had already spoken with her too much; I couldn't stop now. As soon as the bell rang, I rose in synchrony with Mikayla.

"In a hurry?" she asked, grinning.

"I just don't like this place. Makes me feel… too much, you know?"

Mikayla nodded, smiling sadly at me. "Jake, there's nothing wrong with admitting your feelings, especially to yourself," she cautioned me, sliding the chair under the table.

"I know," I replied as we headed to the door. When we reached the end of the hall, she turned to leave the building. "You don't need to go to your locker?" I asked.

"No; I've got everything I need," she replied, somewhat elusively, in my opinion.

"Oh. Wanna come to my locker, then?"

"I can't."

"Oh, now who's in a hurry?" I teased.

"I, uh, I do have to go, Jacob," Mikayla muttered. "My boyfriend's waiting to drive me home."

"Your boyfriend?"

"Yeah; he's in college, but we're neighbors and I've known him for a long time. He got back today, and we're going to hang out for pretty much the whole weekend. I'll talk to you on Monday, though, okay?"

"Sure sure," I muttered.

She waved, and as I watched her retreating back, my heart was flooded with agony and I was overcome by double my old sadness. In a matter of days, I had done what I never wanted to do - I had gotten close to her - only to find out that _she_ would break my heart as well.

**A/N: Well, there you have it. Let me know if you think I should extend it, otherwise it's just going to be a sort of cliff-hanger oneshot thing.**


	2. Agony

_**AGONY**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

**A/N: It's not gonna stay a oneshot…**

I fought with myself all weekend. Mikayla had a boyfriend. Mikayla had a _boyfriend_. Mikayla had a _BOYFRIEND._ I just couldn't face it. I had grown close to her, too close, only to discover that I was not as close as I thought. It was like the good wolf bad wolf legend, where the boy asks his grandfather which wolf will win and the grandfather says whichever wolf he fed. Gee, that was only a little ironic.

I didn't know which wolf to feed. I didn't even know which wolf was which. Would it be bad to distance myself from Mikayla or to get closer, knowing she'll never get as close to me as I want?

_This is insane,_ I told myself. _I'm acting like a child. Have I really fallen in love with her in just a few days?_ It hurt to think that Bella and Edward had fallen in love so quickly, so I didn't let my thoughts stray in that direction. I didn't want to phase. What if some of the others were running? They would know what was going on, and Quil and Embry would not be happy. They would feel more betrayed than ever.

My heart was wrought with misery. I was so frustrated with my whole position in the world that I almost wanted to cry. Cry like a small child. Or a girl. I wanted to cry because of Mikayla, for Billy, for the pack. I knew how much my unanimated existence hurt them, but I couldn't change. This was me now, and they would all accept it later. But what about Mikayla? I wasn't this way when I was with her. She made me feel like Jacob. The old Jacob. _Bella's_ Jacob. Was I just doomed to love but never be loved? I punched the wall in anguish, but nothing I did could relieve the gaping, burning hole in my heart, the hole left by Bella, caused by Edward, the hole Mikayla didn't realize she could fill if only she knew.

My thoughts were in complete disarray, my heart torn, and my soul knotted and chaotic. It was then that I realized I could never stand to see anyone else feeling this way, and I made a vow to protect those I loved from heartbreak. _Those I loved_. If I loved them, why was I letting _them_ see _me_ this way? If I never wanted to see them in pain, I was sure they didn't enjoy seeing me like this. I decided then that I would make an effort to return to normal, for Billy, for the pack, who had to hear my thoughts, feel my pain, every time I phased.

A strange calm came over me now, as I sat in my room watching the sun rise. My brain fell silent, and my soul found its way out of the knots. The hole was still there, still gaping, but only smoldering now. I remained that way for quite a time, surveying the landscape as it changed from navy to purple to pink to gold and finally to blue. Billy called me for breakfast, and, true to the promise I had made myself, forced a smile and bounded energetically down to meet him.

As I went, my brain suddenly went into overdrive. I wasn't, would never again be, Bella's Jacob. He was gone because Bella was gone. And I could never be the same Jacob I was before I knew Bella, before I was wolf-Jacob. And I had promised not to be empty-Jacob. But I _could_ be a new Jacob…

When I arrived in the kitchen, it was the start of my newest stage in life as Mikayla's Jacob.


	3. Cliff Diving

_**CLIFF DIVING**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

"Jacob? Is that you?"

I held back the urge to grimace. Embry was here.

"Yeah, man, how's it going?"

Embry turned to Billy. "Is he okay?" he whispered.

"I'm fine," I assured him.

"Well… wanna go cliff diving?"

I shot a glance at my father. "Sure, after breakfast." I didn't want to eat breakfast or go cliff diving, but I wanted to make both my father and Embry happy. And I needed to keep myself distracted this weekend. I would have to keep my mind off Mikayla and her boyfriend. I could deal with that on Monday. I could at least try…

"Jake, you can go now if you like," Billy told me, but I shook my head. This was the new Jacob, Mikayla's Jacob, He was going to make up for all that empty-Jacob had caused. I sat down and helped myself to an insane quantity of bacon and eggs.

"You can stay if you like," I offered Embry. "I'm sure you're hungry." I let a small chuckle escape my lips, and I think this stunned Embry into seating himself to my left.

"So, uh, what's that new girl done to you?" Embry finally said, glancing cautiously in my direction, as if he expected this to be an act and was trying to catch me frowning.

"Mikayla?" I asked, definitely acting, "Nothing. I was talking to her in math, and she just put into perspective what I look like to everyone else. It has nothing to do with her _personally_. But what she said made me realize that my acting depressed was just that – acting. I was sad for a while there, after Bella left, but not now that I've been living for so long without her." This lie was the most painful one I would ever tell. Yet I kept my plastic smile firmly in place. Both Billy and Embry would be looking for any signs that I was still broken, and I couldn't let them find any.

I shoveled the eggs in, eager for my distraction. I knew that distractions ease pain; I knew what Bella had really been thinking when she brought me her motorcycles.

"Oh," was all Embry had to say.

I nodded, and as soon as the two of us finished our large breakfasts, I jumped up and threw my dish in the sink. Billy wouldn't mind if I left it there for him to clean; he was just happy I had come out of my empty-Jacob phase and was leaving the house for an event other than school. I waved to him and left the kitchen, followed by a dazed Embry.

We walked side by side for a time, and when we were far from my house, Embry spoke. "Do you remember where the cliffs are?"

"Of course," I replied, forcing a laugh, "And I remember how to cliff dive as well. Will the others be there?"

Embry nodded, unable to speak.

When we arrived at the cliffs, I spotted the pack, already wet, at the top. They looked down at the sound of approaching footsteps and were surprised to see me. I could tell because they all stopped jumping and waited. They never waited. Embry and I joined them and I told my story once more.

Quil looked at me like I was insane. Leah was impatient to dive. I think Sam knew I was lying.

"Well, let's go then," Sam said, taking the focus off me. I think the others were eager to get away from me. It must have been like seeing a ghost. I decided then and there that I wouldn't phase until I had sorted out my feelings for Mikayla. I couldn't have the pack knowing I had lied.

While the others splashed into the water, I looked out at the horizon. The sun wasn't too high as of yet, and I could still see pink fading from the sky. Clouds rolled in, not the kind that threatened to soak you with misery but the kind that tinted the sky grey. What with these clouds and the fading of pink to blue, the sky became a gray infused with purple that reminded me of the t-shirt Mikayla had worn the day I met her.

"Why?" I whispered, quiet enough that not even my wolf brothers would hear.

I tried to draw my eye away from the sky and the line where it became sea, but I was unable. I noticed that the color of the water where the sun was reflected was green, the same green as Mikayla's eyes. I closed my eyes and what started as a sigh became a moan of pain. Some distraction.

And I jumped.

At the end of the outing, I was proud of myself. I had spent all morning and all afternoon with the pack, and I had not slipped in my charade once. Maybe this wouldn't be as hard as I had expected after all.

But I knew it would be…

Life. Sucks.

As we walked home, I fell behind, feigning exhaustion. I didn't want to have to force a smile any longer than was necessary. But, of course, Sam was there. He had an extraordinary ability to sense a problem. He fell back as well, and soon, Sam and I were alone. He stopped and turned to me.

"Jacob, you're going to drive yourself insane with this lie," he told me bluntly.

The funny thing is that it didn't even surprise me that I was right. He did see through my lie. "It's only a lie when I'm away from Mikayla," I told him. "When I'm with her, I really am happy. I think… Sam, I think I love her."

**A/N: 'Why?' is right. Why are there multiple ways to spell one word? Is it gray or grey?**


	4. Identity

_**IDENTITIY**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

I went cliff diving with the pack again on Sunday. Sam said nothing more to me about Mikayla, and the others pretty much ignored me. Walking home that night, I felt quite proud of myself. I was becoming a good actor, and my smile was looking more and more genuine as it became faker and faker.

I did everything I could to keep my mind from straying to thoughts of Mikayla, but it was difficult. I needed a better distraction.

That night, as I sat at home in my room (Billy was out at Charlie's place, playing cards; they did that a lot now that Bella was off at college), I began to think about me; about how I had so many personalities, each only a small part of my overall identity. I looked out my window at my backyard, so familiar to me yet so alien. Everything was exactly as it had always been; every tree where it had been planted, every blade of grass as green as ever. Yet something, _something_, was different about it. A small piece of the backyard, somewhere invisible to the untrained eye, became diffrerent with each passing day. The wind came from a different direction tonight than it did last night; the moon was full tonight, its white light filtering through the trees differently than it did last night. But it was still my backyard. I knew nothing could truly change that, could change any part of my life as a whole.

And I realized that I was like my backyard. Some little part of my existence changed from day to day while my main being, the essence of Jacob, never changed. I was still Jacob. No part of my identity was really so different from any of the others. All parts of me were outcasts. As Jacob – Billy's Jacob, I suppose – I was happy, but there was a part of me that was empty. I was cast out of happiness by a lack of meaningful relationships (outside of my family); Empty-Jacob was always hiding just beneath the surface. As wolf-Jacob, I was constantly torn, part of me angry, part of me confused, empty. I was cast out of Bella's life then; I couldn't see her, risk phasing and hurting her. And as Bella's Jacob I was happiest, but I was an outcast then, too. Sure, I had had my pack, and I wasn't unpopular at school. But I was cast out of the part of Bella's life that made her truly happy. She had Edward; she didn't need me. And anyway, being Bella's Jacob was what caused Empty-Jacob to take over my existence when she left. And because I spent so much time letting Empty-Jacob run my life, I was now an outcast at school _and_ in the pack. The only group I had ever been able to reveal everything to, the only time I could let my thoughts run as free as my four legs did, was gone. I couldn't phase with my secret feelings for Mikayla so strong. The only place I felt strong now, secure and happy, was with Mikayla herself.

I went to sleep that night, impatient for Monday to arrive and for me to become Mikayla's Jacob. The time for distractions was over.


	5. Patterns and Signs

_**PATTERNS AND SIGNS**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

**And I'd like to say thank you to the superful B-b-b-becca, who was the lucky first person to read this story and got to tell me what sucked. She peppers me and begs me for detail, detail, DETAIL, but without her, my writing would be... um... detail..less? Right, well here's chapter FIVE!!!**

I got my life figured into a pattern over the next few weeks. I went to school. I talked to Mikayla a lot. I went home, did my homework. Math was the best distraction, my favorite. Then I would go cliff diving, mostly on my own; I was sick of Sam's chastising me with his eyes and shaking his head in my direction. I would return home later than Billy ever used to allow and spend my nights lying in bed, trying to keep my thoughts from looking for Mikayla.

Sometime later that week, I walked into math, my happy face on, hoping for homework and eager to see Mikayla's smile. There was a certain hope in the way her smile melted away my stress and, for its duration, mended my broken heart. Impatient for this to occur, I watched the door for Mikayla as usual, and when she entered, I greeted her with a broad, bright smile that she did not return. She sat down in her seat across from me and dropped her bag beside her chair, putting her head in her hands simultaneously. She sighed but said nothing. My happy face melted, and I looked at her, almost in shock. But I had to look away. I kept glancing up at Mikayla, sitting alone in her misery and being ignored, as the others filed into the room, but I couldn't lock my eyes on her for more than a second.

I could recognize how she felt by her posture; her head in her hands, her body still but for the slow rising and falling of her chest, the nearly sleeplike breathing and weighed down heartbeat of one whose heart was truly broken. With my heightened senses, I could faintly hear the sluggish pounding 'tha-whop' of her actual heartbeat.

I looked at her and felt as if I were looking into a mirror and seeing the fragile image of an older Jacob, Empty-Jacob.

Fragile was never a word I would have used in order to depict Mikayla. In fact, I wouldn't previously have dreamt of putting it in the same sentence as her name. But as I looked at her now, I knew that fragile was the only word that could possibly describe her accurately. I also knew if I told her that I thought so, she'd flip. I had known her long enough to know that she was the kind of girl that wanted to be strong.

I glanced up at her. Her position had not changed. Sadly, I noticed that not only did her actions resemble mine; they were reminiscent of Bella's, when Edward had left her. Mikayla was in love, and whatever total idiot he happened to be did not reciprocate the feeling.

I felt my heart break in multiple places, some of the pain for Mikayla because of the asshole who had hurt her, and the rest for the pathetic, unloved empty shell of a man that was once Jacob Black.

She wouldn't love me, and I shouldn't love her.

This should have been my time to feel strong, secure and happy with Mikayla. But she was unhappy, and there was no way for me to be happy when she wasn't. I _had_ to fix her. She needed to be saved, and after all, she had saved me. Now, I needed to protect her, to rescue her. I needed... _her_.

* * *

**A/N: Yay for details and the people who make me write them (you know who you are. Beccaaaaaaa)... and I don't think I've mentioned this much... but reviews _are_ very nice things to recieve**


	6. Love and Drama

_**LOVE AND DRAMA**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

Why do people always search for love? I asked myself, watching Mikayla, several days later. She was still as broken as I had been before meeting her. I sighed. We all look for a girlfriend or boyfriend because we think they'll make us feel complete, because we want someone who will always be there for us, who will trust and believe in us and who we trust and believe in, who would rather say and do nothing in our _presence_ than do something with or talk to someone else, who will take the time to understand us, who tries to figure out how our minds work, who can tease us but who lets us tease back, who accepts us for who we are. And that's what love really is. That's why we want it. We just want to feel like we belong somewhere.

Every day, I would sit down in math and slide my bag under my chair. My happy face was always on; if the pack knew I was sad, it wouldn't take them long to realize that it was because Mikayla was sad first. Though I always expected her pained expression to break my heart, I couldn't help but wait impatiently for Mikayla to enter the room. This event used to erase the need for my happy face because she made me genuinely happy. Mikayla was the only one who could make me so. I loved being Mikayla's Jacob. But every day, she would walk in and only sometimes would she return my greeting, but even then, she would slide into her seat across from me, not once finding the resolve to smile. At the end of every class, we went the same direction, she to English and I to health, and we would walk together.

Of course, I always saw how broken she was, and I always wanted to make it okay, to take her in my arms and tell her that she should put him behind her; that anyone who had the balls to hurt her ever again would have to deal with me. But she didn't know that I knew what her boyfriend had done to her, and I knew she wouldn't want me to ask. She never said anything about the matter, and I didn't press her for information. If she wanted me to know what was going on – not that she really had a choice, as I already knew – she would tell me. _Then_ I could talk to her about something like this. As much as it hurt me to admit it, I knew that, as of yet, she didn't feel close enough to me to reveal too much of her personal life.

But my Mikayla wasn't here. This Mikayla was empty, the same way I had been. I felt the need to help, but if I tried to cheer her up, I would feel like a hypocrite. But hadn't she saved me once? In some small way, didn't she save me every time I saw her? She was the only one to truly offer me consolation. Now, I had to do the same for her.

"Mikayla?" I whispered tentatively.

She shifted.

"…and that's all we'll do for today. The bell is going to ring in a few minutes. Talk amongst yourselves. I'll be right back; I have to fetch something from my office."

I looked up at my teacher, only then remembering that I was still in class. I had been so caught up in my worries that I hadn't even been paying attention. It made me mad that he could have two students not paying attention to the lesson and could totally ignore them the whole time. I knew he wasn't oblivious to the situation; he just didn't care.

As soon as he left the room, the class was reduced to a group of chattering monkeys. I couldn't discern one shouted conversation from another, so I decided it would be a good time to have a heart-to-heart with Mikayla. I called her name again. This time, I was prepared to demand her attention. But my force would be unnecessary.

Mikayla's head snapped up. "What?" she growled.

I was at first taken aback by her uncharacteristic outburst but I immediately regained my composure. I decided in an instant to play off her anger.

"You can't be like this!" I exploded. "You're being so selfish! Sure, you're sad, but I'm _broken_! I feel sad everyday, but at least I make an effort to appear happy!"

"You have no right to say that," Mikayla retorted, her voice a strange, deadly calm. "Before me, you were like this. You didn't talk to anyone. You _refused_ to. And now you're criticizing _me_?!"

"Mikayla, I know I'm being a hypocrite, but, please, take it from someone who knows. It's terrible to feel this way, but there's no use in showing it. You can let it interfere with the way you act toward me and everyone else, but you can't let it interfere with school. Your grades are going to suffer if you can't concentrate in class, and that's just wrong. And maybe it's not something to be proud of, but I manage to concentrate on other things, but as soon as those things are done, I'm sad. But now I'm pretending otherwise. It's better."

"No. It isn't. It really isn't. Because I thought I had made you happy. And now I find out that it's a lie? People don't like being lied to, Jacob. I thought I helped you. From the moment I saw you here, sitting alone, I felt protective of you. I don't know why. Before I saw you, I wanted to stay away. I had heard of you and you didn't exactly seem like the kind of person I would be friends with. But when I saw you, I had to help you; your heart truly was broken. And here I was thinking I had mended it."

"You almost did," I admitted, lowering my voice because we were beginning to draw attention. "Every time I was with you, it was like heartbreak medicine. But when I found out you had a boyfriend, that medicine stopped working and my heart broke more. Because the only way for the medicine to heal my heart completely is by my being your boyfriend. And you don't feel that way about me. And I can tell you're upset because he broke up with you, that son of a bitch, whoever he is. That's how I can tell how you don't feel about me, that you still love him, and even though there's no way I'd ever hurt you like he did, you're always going to want him. And it seems that that's the way it always is. Everyone wants what is bad for them."

Mikayla's mouth hung open. I had thought I had been too obvious with how I felt about her. Evidently, I had thought wrong.

"I – I –"

The bell rang, signaling the official conclusion of class. I stood up, throwing my bag over my shoulder. Turning on my heel, I left without a word to Mikayla, and I walked to health alone, my happy face gone. And as I walked, I thought that maybe I was right in telling Bella that I would never imprint. Because I would never have the chance to be with someone I love. Because no one would ever love me back.

* * *

The next morning, I had a fight with Billy. By the time I reached school, I had all but completely forgotten what it was about, but I recalled not wanting to go to school and Billy voicing the thought that my anger came from lack of sleep. That, of course, only angered me more. I could go a week on only a half hour of sleep. _Total._ I had done it on more than one occasion. I remembered that, in a desperate attempt to stay home and avoid the source of my emotional chaos, I had said that the main reason I was angry was that I was intelligent and I couldn't go to school because I was tired of everybody wanting too much from me. Billy said that he didn't care _how_ smart I thought I was; I was still going to school. To this day, I am amazed I didn't phase right there in the kitchen. I was able to control myself and storm out of the house without a final argument against Billy, but it took a lot of my strength. I realized that keeping myself from phasing now, with all that was going on at school with Mikayla, was a near impossibility.

The morning flew by, lunch beginning and passing in the blink of an eye. Math came much too soon for my liking, and I found it hard to keep my happy face on as I awaited Mikayla's arrival. Instead of succumbing to my despair, I looked around the classroom. The lights were still off, the teacher not yet in the room. Blue light filtered in from the shaded windows, dimly exposing the scene before me. I saw that most chairs were placed snugly beside one another, that geometry worksheets lay forgotten by students eager to be finished with the subject, and that small slips of paper, passed notes, littered the floor surrounding the tables, evidence of blissful camaraderie. I slowly looked to Mikayla's chair. Here, too, was this indication of friendly relationships. I looked down at myself. My chair was pushed back from the table, separated from all the others, my papers neatly tucked away in my folder and my floor-area devoid of scraps. It was as if the very room was trying to tell me to move on, not to accept that my life had become nothing but meaningless existence. It seemed to tell me to fight back, to stand up for what I wanted, what every human needed.

It was then that I realized I hadn't looked about me in quite a while, probably since Bella had left. I didn't want to let anything get too memorable. I didn't want to allow any habits or familiarities to form. But as I looked at my classroom, I realized that I had let most of my freshman year slip by. I had pushed everyone away, closed my eyes to the outside world and stayed inside myself, brooding on what was never to return. The whole high school experience was lost on me. I had matured too quickly and I could never get my childhood back. I was an old man inside. I had lived, loved, lost, loved, and lost again. I had likely been through more than all of my classmates combined, and there was no erasing any of it.

"Jacob? Son, you know you can turn on the lights."

I nodded to Mr. Aza (my math teacher) but didn't move. He sighed and turned the lights on himself. Gradually, the room filled. I was just starting to worry that perhaps Mikayla was absent when she walked in and sat down across from me as usual. The bell rang seconds later, and I wondered if she hadn't come later than usual to avoid another argument.

If this was her intention, she must have been disappointed when, at the end of class, Mr. Aza once again allowed us some free time and left the room.

"Mikayla?" I couldn't help it. Talking to her was the only thing that had been keeping me sane lately.

Today, she didn't respond. Her head remained at rest on her folded arms.

"Mikayla, this is insane."

She looked up wordlessly.

"Please talk to me."

"Jacob, do you have a problem with me?" she asked quietly, her eyes narrowed.

"I have a problem with what you're doing, how you're acting. I told you that yesterday. You're creating drama where there _is none_, Mikayla! He doesn't go to this school, and nobody here knows him. Nobody here knows _you_!"

"You're wrong. People here know me. You see me in the hall with other people; I know you do. You're just fooling yourself into thinking that you're the only one I have here because that's how you want it to be. You want me to like you; you admitted it. You want me to put him behind me and run into your arms, but it isn't going to happen like that. I'm not the one creating drama here. But you want me to because _you_ want to be involved in this!"

"Maybe you're right," I said, so loudly that it was almost a shout. "Maybe I want a little drama! Maybe I want to be high-strung and crazy or live a normal life like every one of my fake friends! And maybe I want to _be_ normal!" my voice rose with each possibility I spit out. Mikayla just looked at me with an expression of utter shock. Her surprise and hurt didn't even faze me, and the usual tremors that came with my anger did not afflict me. "But I know I don't," I concluded, and my voice was excuse enough for the absence of anger. I enjoyed being who I was, Jacob Black. For some strange, twisted, and possibly morbid reason, I would never want to be anyone else. Because if I were normal, I would have gotten over Bella when I found out about her and Edward. I wouldn't have tried so hard to protect her; I would have trusted her in Edward's hands because I wouldn't have even known about the animosity between his kind and mine. If I had gotten over Bella, I might have had a girlfriend long ago and might have ignored Mikayla. If I had ignored Mikayla, my life would be normal and I would be normal. And normal was boring.

"There really is no such thing as normal, you know. Everybody wants everybody else to like them. Everybody thinks that they need to be like everybody else to be accepted. So everybody tries to become someone else. Because that's just how people _work_, Jacob Black." Mikayla said, her voice betraying no emotion. "And you just have to get used to it. Life _happens_. Deal with it." She said her final statement with as little emotion as the opening, but I felt she was accusing me of doing something wrong.

"I made a promise to myself," I told her. "Long ago, I swore that I would never let anyone get away with telling me what to do or who I should be. I made a promise to myself that if I saw something wrong, I would _not_ just sit back and deal with it. And this way of life that everyone accepts? _I don't_."

I walked away from her then, and she didn't follow. And I didn't care. I didn't even _wonder _what she thought of me after that declaration. So perhaps I was wrong. Perhaps this wasn't love after all.


	7. Phasing

_**PHASING**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

I wanted someone to stay up with me for one night. I hardly ever slept anymore. I just needed someone to comfort me. I rolled over in my bed and looked at my clock. 2:30. I sighed and closed my eyes. Tick, tick, tick. AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGH!!!!! Sleep wasn't happening. I kicked my sheet – the thinnest, coolest cover I had – away from me and got out of bed, deciding that, if any of the others were awake now, they wouldn't be running, and even if they were, I didn't care anymore. I threw my shirt to the ground and left the house. Pulling my shorts off, I phased. And I was off running. The wind in my fur felt so good that I didn't even notice the voice in my head.

_Jacob, don't._

It was Sam.

_Go away. I need to run. It's two thirty. Go to fucking sleep._

_Jacob, come home._

_No._

_Jacob, calm down._

_No. Leave me alone._

_Don't forget who you are, Jacob. Run now; I can see you need it. But when you've calmed down, you need to come back. I can see how much all of this hurts you. But I think you're overreacting. You don't even know Mikayla._

_I didn't know Bella either._

_Jacob, please. Just think about this._

_I'm running so I don't have to think. Just leave me alone._

_Jacob._

_Sam._

_Jacob, don't do this._

_Sam, GO TO SLEEP!_

_Fine. Just make sure you're back when Billy wakes up._

_Don't worry. I will be. Just because I've given in to phasing doesn't mean I'll stop pretending that I'm okay with my life._

_Jacob, pretending is bad. This lie is going to drive you crazy._

_Already has._

And I didn't allow Sam's words to distract me after that. After a while, his constant stream of _Jacob, don't _stopped. And I ran.


	8. Mended

_**MENDED**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

I sighed. I was sitting on my windowsill, feeling more trapped than ever. I had run circles around my house so that, just in case any of the others phased, I would be able to phase back and have only a short distance to walk. Of course, none of the others did phase, but I had had to deal with stupid Sam rooting around in my head. Jerk.

I looked out and noticed that my sigh had condensed on the window. It wasn't dark out, but it wasn't light either. The sun hadn't risen yet; the moon hadn't set. The stars, though, were invisible behind the clouds that were starting to roll in. I sighed again, and soon, the sounds of my father cooking eggs reached my ears. Not much later, the smell assailed my nose, but I wasn't hungry. I wanted to get to school, to see Mikayla, to make sure nothing had actually changed.

When I finally reached math class later that day, the room was, as always, empty. I plopped down into my seat, put my chin in my hand, and tried not to look any sadder than usual. Mikayla came in, but I didn't wave. She sat down across from me as usual and looked at me in the way an adult might look at a crying child. I knew I had looked at her like that before we had our argument. I wondered what had become of her boyfriend and why she seemed so much less heartbroken than usual. I blinked back tears and had to look away.

"Jake? Are you okay?"

"Define okay," I replied miserably.

"You know what it means."

I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak.

She looked at me silently, her eyes full of that stupid thing called compassion. I just don't like it when people feel bad for me. It tells me that they don't think I'm capable of doing things for myself and makes me feel useless.

"Jake? How long have you liked me? And why didn't you tell me?"

I guess now that she had had time to cool down, she was pitying me instead of hating me. Suddenly, I became angry. I didn't want her pity. I wanted her love, and we both knew I would never get that.

"I didn't want things to get weird between us," I replied, my voice as devoid of emotion as I could make it. You were the first person I let in after a long time of pushing people away. I just didn't think I should ruin the only friendship I have. Because I can't deal with awkward relationships. I knew that if I told you, everything would either get weird or nothing would change. So… weird?" I asked finally, cringing inwardly. I desperately wanted the answer to be no.

"I'm not going to be a jerk," she said, a little slower than usual. "And I'm not going to ignore you. So don't worry. At least you told me."

I sighed, thinking that maybe, telling her how I felt about her wasn't actually in my best interests.

The bell rang and Mr. Aza called for quiet. I shrank down in my seat as much as was possible for me. As I sat through class, not bothering to pay attention to a subject I already understood fairly well, I thought about what Mikayla had said.

For the rest of the week, math class was spent wondering how Mikayla was handling the information that I had revealed. Before the end of the week, I was exceptionally frustrated with her. She was impossible. She knew how I felt. She talked to me every day the same way she used to. Didn't her knowing I liked her change anything? The way she looked at me, the way she talked to me, the way she thought about me? Did she even remember? Had I dreamt that I'd told her? Every time I talked to her, I felt like I was bothering her, like I was just some annoying little boy who had a crush on her and wouldn't leave her alone but who she was too kind to turn away. And it drove me absolutely _CRAZY_. I wanted her to look at me, talk to me, _think_ about me differently. I wanted things to change. As much as I hated change, I wanted it. I wanted it more than I had ever wanted anything. But I couldn't have it. Because Mikayla was too nice and too worried about everyone else and didn't want to make me uncomfortable. Because she was just so impossibly _perfect_. Bella was this way too; always helping people, always looking out for them when she should be worried about herself. But I knew not all girls were like this. Leah, for one, was nowhere close to Bella or Mikayla on the kindness scale. And that blond bloodsucker. I suppose I'm just attracted to nice people. I guess its because they're everything I'm not and everything I wish I could be. Because they weren't hypocrites and I was. Because nice is an alien concept to me most of the time. Because I'm always drawn to the impossible.

I knew I should just be happy with what I was getting from Mikayla. I shouldn't be complaining that she was still my friend, but I didn't know what I actually wanted from her now. All I knew was that I wanted something else. Something I wasn't getting. I didn't want her to _ignore_ the fact that I liked her. But that's exactly what she was doing.

When Friday finally rolled around, I was relieved that I would soon have two days where there would be no need to interact with Mikayla. When I sat down it math, it was the first time since I had met Mikayla that I wanted it to go by quickly. Of course, when I want a class to go by fast, something always has to happen to make it drag.

It had been so long since I had seen Mikayla happy. She came into the room, and right away, I could see the change. Even her eyes were smiling. I didn't know why she was so happy. I didn't really want to know. In fact, I wanted not to know.

But she didn't give me a choice.

"Jake, I think I'm in love," she said. I don't think she knew how much it hurt me to hear her say that. Great, I thought, Thanks for breaking my heart even more. But she didn't even notice. I smiled, but it wasn't my usual, genuine Mikayla smile. It was just the smile I gave everyone else when I didn't care or didn't want to hear what they were saying. Apparently, Mikayla was over her old boyfriend because she had a new one.

Math took _forever _that day, and I was ready to jump out of my seat as soon as the bell rang. I wanted to get away; away from Mikayla, away from her boyfriends, away from the school and everything there that made me think of Mikayla, away from myself.

Maybe Mikayla's heart was mended, but mine was more broken than ever.


	9. Lose You

**A/N: Just a little warning, Jacob is going to come to a few bad resolutions concerning Mikayla that he feels are necessary, so just bear with me and don't hate Jacob yet. There will be plenty of time for that when you read OTHER Jacob fics.**

_**CREDITS: Lose You by Pete Yorn.**___

_**LOSE YOU**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

My way of dealing with things wasn't the same as the average person's. When most people were sad, they either tried to hide it or made it painstakingly obvious in order to obtain sympathy. I was entirely honest with my feelings. I just went about my own business no matter how I was feeling. And _no one noticed_. I didn't know if it was because nobody knew me well enough to notice small changes in my behavior that would tell them I was upset, but I was still hurt a little when no one asked if I was okay. It made me feel like I wasn't really pushing people away. It made me feel like they actually didn't want me.

So when I returned to school on Monday – without my happy face – and Mikayla didn't say a word, I was hurt a lot. I knew it wasn't her fault I was so stupidly blank, but I had an idea of how I wanted her to respond to the unhappy face I always had under my happy mask, and when she didn't respond that way, I was disappointed.

But I was selfish. As soon as I looked at her, I saw that something was troubling her. _Boyfriend problems?_ I wondered. _I bet now she knows she'd be better off with me._ I looked more closely, and I knew it wasn't boyfriend problems. Worried, I tried to hear what she was saying to the two other boys who sat nearest her.

"…moving… because… well, maybe…"

I looked sharply at her, and I knew she could sense that I had heard because she looked up at me.

"I might be moving," she said sadly.

I didn't know what to say. She might have known I liked her, but the people she was talking to didn't.

"So will you miss me?" she asked.

"Of course," one of the boys said. The other nodded, but I could tell he did mean it. Mikayla didn't turn to me for an answer. I frowned. Things were going to get weird after all.

When I got home that day, I retreated to my room.

"Jacob!" Billy called when he got home. "I'm going to head over to the library. Wanna come?"

"Yeah!" I shouted back down the stairs, "I'll be right down."

I was planning to take a look at the CD collection. To get my mind off of possibly losing Mikayla, I needed some good music to listen to, and I was tired of all my own CDs.

When we arrived, I immediately left Billy to whatever book he was looking for and headed to the music section. As I was browsing, something caught my eye. I glanced over at the sparkle that had distracted me and saw that it was some woman's necklace catching a glare off the sun shining through the window. I squinted my eyes to see the details of the necklace.

It was a little black plate, much like a dog tag, with the word _lost_ inscribed on it. I almost gasped. Soon, Mikayla would be lost. I snatched the closest CD and dashed to find Billy.

"Done already?" Billy asked, probably surprised. I usually took forever to make a decision. I nodded, feeling a wave of uneasiness wash over me. Billy shrugged and took my CD and his book to the librarian.

I wanted to get home quickly, away from the woman and her necklace, and I needed to lie down. I was getting dizzy, and I hoped the CD I had "chosen" had some good music on it, at least a song or two that would distract me from Mikayla.

As soon as we arrived back at my house, I put the CD in my CD player and pressed play. The first sounds I heard seemed to be meaningless chatter in the background of a song that had not started. After fifteen seconds, a single note rang through the room, followed slowly by two more, and then after a pause, continuous piano music began. Soft snare drums joined the piano after about ten more seconds, and the first lyrics followed.

_I'm taking a ride  
Off to one side  
It is a personal thing  
Where  
When I can't stand  
Up in this cage I'm not regretting._

_I don't need a better thing  
I'd settle for less  
It's another thing for me  
I just have to wander through this world  
Alone._

_Stop  
Before you fall  
Into the hole that I have dug here  
Rest  
Even as you  
Are starting to feel the way I used to._

_I don't need a better thing  
Just to sound confused  
Don't talk about everyone  
I am not amused by you_

'_Cause I'm gonna lose you  
Yes, I'm gonna lose you  
If I'm gonna lose you…_

'_Cause I'm gonna lose you  
Yes, I'm gonna lose you  
If I'm gonna lose you  
I'll lose you now for good._

I sat there, on my bed, hugging my knees for almost a half hour. I couldn't think. I could just hear those words in my head, over and over though I had stopped the CD. Had I looked at the back of the case – the song list – in the library, I would have seen that the song was called Lose You. I turned the case over in my hands. The album was called Musicforthemorningafter, and the singer was Pete Yorn. Until now, I had never heard of him. But as I heard the words over and over in my head, I wondered what he had been through, who he had lost and why had he known beforehand that they were going away? The track in my head ended and started again. As my brain functions returned to normal, I was able to make certain connections between this song and my situation with Mikayla.

_I'm taking a ride  
Off to one side  
It is a personal thing_

I needed to separate myself from Mikayla for a while, to sort out my feelings and make a decision.

_Where  
When I can't stand  
__Up in this cage I'm not regretting._

I needed to return to the truth, to Empty-Jacob, who had chosen to seclude himself from the world and who seemed appealing to me now that so much was going on; I was not sorry that I had retreated from human contact, and I had to go back to that so I could avoid doing something I would regret.

_I don't need a better thing  
I'd settle for less_

I needed to stop chasing after people who didn't love me, no matter how good they were; I would simply have to find someone who I didn't hate.

_It's another thing for me  
I just have to wander through this world  
Alone._

I needed to search for this someone, not because it was best for me but because it was best for the people I loved, the people who would be better off without me, even if I had to suffer.

_Stop  
Before you fall  
Into the hole that I have dug here_

I needed to look out for the people I loved instead of expecting them to look out for me all the time; I had messed up my own life, but that didn't mean I couldn't stop Mikayla from messing up hers.

_Rest  
Even as you  
Are starting to feel the way I used to._

I needed to leave Mikayla alone, give her time to sort out her own feelings, especially because she needed time to keep herself from the dark, empty place I had once fallen into and would probably soon be returning to.

_I don't need a better thing  
Just to sound confused  
Don't talk about everyone  
I am not amused by you_

I needed to convince myself that I didn't need love – that I would be able to survive on simple like – and that Mikayla _didn't_ make me happy.

'_Cause I'm gonna lose you  
Yes, I'm gonna lose you  
If I'm gonna lose you…_

I needed to accept that Mikayla might be moving, that she might have really fallen in love this time, and that things might have gotten weird between us.

'_Cause I'm gonna lose you  
Yes, I'm gonna lose you _

I needed to convince myself that whether Mikayla moved or not, she was gone.

_If I'm gonna lose you  
__I'll lose you now for good._

I needed to lose her on my own terms; it would be my descision, not hers.

* * *

**A/N: No, Mikayla is not in love with Jacob. She really does have a new boyfriend; sorry if that was unclear. And you probably don't know what's going to happen after this chapter, so, like I said, don't hate Jacob yet!**

* * *


	10. Impossible

_**IMPOSSIBLE**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

I looked forward to math the next day, no longer because I wanted to be with Mikayla but because I wanted to see how she would react to the indifference I planned on showing her. Would she try to save me again? Would she ignore me like she promised she wouldn't?

I closed my locker, not slamming it shut as I usually did. I just leaned against the door pathetically until I heard it click. Then I walked to homeroom, shuffling my feet and looking down, feeling very much like an insignificant submissive loser when people in the hall shoved their way past me and I allowed myself to be buffeted by their bags and books.

Homeroom seemed quieter than usual. Maybe it was because of my mood. I didn't have the energy to talk to anyone, even to ask for a pen. As I sat trying to figure out how to get through this first day of ignoring Mikayla, I realized that I did not have until math to prepare myself. I often saw her in the halls, and she usually said hi to me, when I wasn't with anyone else. For the most part, I had someone to walk to class with, but nobody in my homeroom was in my first class of the day, and I knew it was one of the times Mikayla and I crossed paths.

My brain went into overdrive as I tried to pull an evasion plan out of my ass. I should have thought of this the night before, when I had made the decision to ignore her, but I was stupid. Too soon, the bell rang and I was forced to leave. No matter which way I went, I knew I would see Mikayla. I would just have to pretend I didn't see her.

When I reached the basement, I took a deep breath and braced myself, and soon enough, I saw Mikayla.

Crap.

She was alone. I was alone. There was no way for me not to notice her. I looked down, angling my eyes away from her, but as we came in line with each other, she said, "Hi Jake," and I panicked.

I looked up, a huge smile spreading instinctively across my face, and waved.

STUPID! But I kept walking, and she kept walking. It was an ordinary encounter. I shouldn't have let it happen that way.

_I cannot BELIEVE I just did that. I was supposed to be ignoring her! WHY DID I DO THAT?! _I thought, furious with myself. _I'll never be able to get over her if I keep doing stupid things like that._

I needed to push her away before she could go away, and I was incapable of ignoring her. Great. Had seeing Mikayla become nothing more than a social experiment?

I saw Mikayla three more times before math that day, but I planned ahead for all of them – I walked with someone and chatted with them, focusing on them more than necessary whenever Mikayla came into view – and I didn't have to say another word to her. To give myself the strength to keep my eyes locked on the person I was talking to instead of looking up at Mikayla, I permitted the last four lines of _Lose You_ to echo in my mind.

'_Cause I'm gonna lose you  
Yes I'm gonna lose you  
If I'm gonna lose you  
I'll lose you now for good_

The words reminded me that even though it was hard for me to distance myself from Mikayla now, it would be much less painful in the long run. If I didn't at least prepare myself to face the inevitable, things would be worse than they were after Bella left.

When I got to math, I was prepared.

When Mikayla walked in, I smiled and waved, but she didn't see me. Thank God. What was I doing?

_I am not amused by you  
'Cause I'm gonna love you_

_I'm gonna LOSE you_!!! I corected myself. I closed my eyes, as if in pain, and sighed. No matter how hard I tried, I knew ignoring Mikayla would be impossible.


	11. Brokenn

_**BROKEN**_

**I own nothing. Except Mikayla, the plot, and the title.**

Quil called after school. He and Embry and some of their friends from our school – not the pack, but our school – were going to go out for ice cream and wanted to know if I tag along.

I could have made some excuse not to go, but Billy was in the room, and I knew he would be suspicious if I didn't go. After all, I was supposed to be the old Jacob. Plus, I needed distractions if I was ever going to get over Mikayla.

I met them there, and I didn't even recognize the other guys from school. They didn't seem as wary of me as I would have thought, probably _because_ I had never seen them. I actually began to enjoy myself, but even as I sat there with them, chatting and laughing, in the back of my mind I knew I was doing something I wouldn't have pictured myself doing only a week ago.

I shouldn't have started this whole acting thing, I was already in too deep and my happy face was taking over. I was becoming the old Jacob. And I was doing it for the wrong reasons.

Fuck it. Just fuck it. For too long, I had been resisting myself, and I didn't want to fight anymore. Clearly, the old Jacob was the real Jacob. I was never your typical angry-with-the-world teenager, and I still wasn't. I just… wasn't too _happy_ with my place in the world right now.

I wanted to be able to forget all this girl crap and be the Jacob I was before I met Bella. I dunno why everyone makes such a big deal about love. It only ruins lives. I couldn't even stand to be in the same room as Mikayla anymore, and that wasn't fair to either of us. If the world were as it should be, Mikayla and I could be friends. But no, I just had to go and be so goddamned stupid and fall in freaking love with her, and – getting back to the stupid thing – TELL her!

Every time I looked up at her, my heart would twinge and I would become furious with myself. Why do I always have to fall in love with the girl who already has a fucking boyfriend? And why does he always have to be so much _better_ than me?

Just fuck it. I was with Quil and Embry and a bunch of guys, and I was eating ice cream. ICE CREAM!!! I was eating ice cream and I couldn't even enjoy it because of _love_? I had to be crazy.

I shook my head and shoveled spoonful after spoonful of ice cream into my mouth.

Brain.

Freeze.

Quil and Embry and the others burst into laughter, and I couldn't even get upset. I almost spit ice cream because I laughed so hard, and for once it was a real laugh; for once, a distraction worked. I laughed and smiled and had fun for real, and Mikayla didn't even cross my mind.

Until I saw her.

Fuck.

There she was, holding an ice cream cone

There was her black hair and green eyes.

There was her typical neutral colored t-shirt and jeans.

There was the girl I loved.

And there was her boyfriend.

I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if they suspected me of loving Mikayla or not. I just sort of looked back to the guys, but Mikayla had seen me. I don't know what she was thinking, but she nudged her boyfriend and looked at my table. She said something to him and sauntered up to us.

"Hey," she said, looking mainly at me. I just looked back at her blankly and stupidly. "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

I glanced at the others. I hadn't been out in a while, but I figured it'd be okay. Embry and Quil shrugged, so I got up and followed her. She led me away from my table, out of earshot, and thankfully away from her boyfriend as well.

When she stopped, she was looking at me with that motherly expression again. I felt like punching her; I didn't want her stupid pity.

"What?" I snapped. "I was having fun."

Her eyes seemed to water a little, and I was morbidly satisfied. She had caused me so much pain, and just when I was starting to feel a little better about myself, she had to show up with her stupid boyfriend and rub him in my face. What the hell is wrong with girls that they constantly want to ruin guys' lives?!

"I saw you earlier," she sort of muttered. "when I came in. And I saw how you were laughing and enjoying yourself, and I was wondering why - when you talk to _me_ - you always sound clinically depressed."

"Gee, it's probably because when I'm with _you_, all I'm thinking about is how much I want to be _with_ you and knowing I can't. And when I'm here, I'm not. Until now, which is why I _was_ having fun."

"Then, uh, you weren't always so… miserable? Why did you stop being happy?"

I considered her for a moment and played with the idea of lying, but then I realized that the truth would probably be slightly more effective. So I sighed and fessed up.

"I was sick of recognizing people in the hall. I was sick of them knowing my name. I was sick of seeing them and associating them with Bella and being debilitated by the pain of knowing that people here still knew who I was even though I didn't want anyone but you to look twice at me. I was sick of feeling, and so I just shut it all out. I locked all my emotions away and detached myself from this place - the school, the whole town. I told myself that if I stayed away from what pained me, I could stay away from pain. But I'm not strong enough to stay away from you."

She looked at me, some annoying maternal instinct or something kicking in. The look in her eyes was one of care and concern, but not the love I wanted. It was like she was my babysitter and I had just fallen off a swing.

"Well you don't have to stay away from me. And I don't wanna hear this crap about how you think you're bothering me because I know that's what you're thinking. If you're okay with being friends, so am I, and if you can just stop _looking_ for the awkward parts of our friendship, it'll work. So are we good?"

I shrugged.

"Friends?" she asked, her head slightly to the side and her eyes earnest. I knew she was willing to make it work if I was, so this was all on me.

I looked up, pretending to think. "Friends."

Mikayla's face lit up. She glanced over to where she had left her boyfriend, and I began to think. Maybe she did love me. Sure, she didn't love me how I loved her, but she certainly enjoyed my company and she was always telling me that I didn't give myself enough credit. I wasn't getting hopeful that she would fall madly in love with me or anything, but I was consoled by the realization that I at least meant _something_ to her.

"Uh, Jake? I gotta go. Matt's waiting for me. But I'll see ya 'round school?"

I nodded. "Of course."

She gave me a sort of half smile and I half returned it.

And she left.

I watched Mikayla dance across the little ice cream shop and hug her boyfriend. She turned to me and waved hesitantly with a slightly remorseful expression, and I shrugged with an offhanded smile. Mikayla walked away, her boyfriend's arm around her waist, and I let her go, because, just like Bella, I loved Mikayla. And, just like Bella, I only wanted her to be happy.

Mikayla wasn't going to love me. I could accept it and just be her best friend. I guess I was doomed to be "just a friend" for my whole life, but I could deal with it. I could put on my happy face and let myself be somebody. I could stop fighting my identity and just live in the moment, true to my canine half. I could smile and laugh with my friends and phase as I pleased. I could just be Jacob.

And when I turned around to return to my friends and my table, that's exactly who I was.

**A/N: Okay, so not the happiest of endings, I'll admit, but happy endings are a CLICHÉ, and I've been considering writing a sequel. I have another fic going that I'd prefer to finish before I get around to el sequel de Mikayla's Jacob, but I definitely have an idea in mind for one.  
So don't kill me yet!**


End file.
